Once a Maid of Honor, Never a Bride

Since my sister’s engagement I’ve learned way more about weddings than I ever thought there was to even learn. I’ve seen hundreds of wedding cake toppers. I’ve spent evenings searching for my sister’s perfect blue bridal shoes online. I received three (THREE) Maid of Honor books for Christmas. I have to buy my dress soon. It’s already picked out for me, thank goodness, but I am on my own in terms of finding shoes. My only direction is some kind of shoes in gold or silver, and I don’t have to wear heals. I tried to suggest maybe something like these or these, but my sister didn’t go for either. Damn.

Then, today I get this email from my sister. I ought to know that 9 times out of 10 my sister is joking. But, there was some scary-serious-Bridezilla about this. It could be true! So for at least 20 minutes after receiving it I fumed with how silly and ridiculous weddings are. After showing it to others at work, and to my mom, I realized it was most likely a joke. I googled it, and indeed it’s been around the internets as a wedding joke. And now that I’ve talked to said Bridezilla, I know for sure it is. Whew. What a close call!

Here’s the offending contract with my commentary in green.

Watershed’s Bridesmaid Contract

Hello my beautiful bridesmaid! Maryann here! Let me just say again how happy I am that you are going to be a part of my special day – which I’m calling “Maryann-Day”! Below are just a few guidelines for the wedding that I’d like you to review. Please initial by each point, sign at the end and send back to me asap. Just want to make sure there aren’t any surprises! The planning bride is a happy bride!

Thanks a bunch! Love ya! -Maryann

______   My hair will remain at the length it is now or longer.

This just won’t work. My hair sort of stays the same length except for when I am too busy and absent minded to remember to get it cut. Then I complain about the hair on the back oh my neck feeling “like a mullet” until I can go in and get it hacked off.

______   I will not change my hair color without first gaining approval from Maryann by providing a sample photo or hair swatch for consideration.

That one is so non-applicable to me, it isn’t worth addressing. But now that she mentions it, purple hair might go beautifully with my orange Maid of Honor dress.

______   I will use Sally Hansen’s “Maximum Growth-Daily Nail Growth program” every day for the 4 months before the wedding day.

Reading this was when I decided to try to call my sister and tell her to shove it (in nicer words than that, of course). I despise having long nails. It’s like nails on a chalk board for me to have my nails even long enough to sometimes bump a key on my keyboard. Ugh. No way would I grow them out with some crap on them for 4 months!

______   I will not be sarcastic, engage in any eye-rolling, dramatic sighs or other negative energy as it relates to any wedding plans, activities or the wedding itself.

She must have added this just for me. If I can’t be sarcastic, roll my eyes, and sigh dramatically, than what’s left for me to do? And plus, since I live far away, she doesn’t get to see all my wedding-related eye-rolling.

______   I will not gain more than 3.3 lbs from the weight I was when I was asked to be a bridesmaid.

Ha! What if I gain muscle before then from running? Seriously since running I’ve been putting on weight instead of loosing it. And I rarely weigh myself, so how would I know. Is there going to be a pre-ceremony weigh-in?

______   If applicable, I will join a well-known weight loss program and through whatever means necessary will lose the desired amount of weight as previously discussed at the time when asked to be a bridesmaid in Maryann’s wedding.

Again, ha!

______   I swear to attend all showers, (lingerie, kitchen, bridal & bachelorette) to arrive in a timely manner and do everything in my power to support and “be there” for the bride.

What in the hell is a lingerie shower? Am I supposed to be planning one of those? Dear God, no.

______   I will purchase the David’s Bridal dress agreed within 3 weeks of today.

Well, yeah. I know I have to get the dress.  I’ll try not to wait till the last minute.

______   I will NOT knowingly get pregnant without notifying Maryann least 6 months prior to the wedding so a suitable alternate can be found. I will also give (at no cost) my purchased bridesmaid dress to said alternate.

This one bemuses me. My parents and sister bug me all the time about when we’re going to have a baby. So wouldn’t they like it if I showed up a few months pregnant? I’m not saying I’m going to… but if I did (and you never know) would I be replaced as Maid of Honor? Are pregnant women not allowed in weddings?

I do hereby swear that I will adhere to all of the above & other understood bridesmaid duties for the wedding on [date]

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