Yeah, it’s been a while. A lot has happened in the last two months. Most of it went by so fast, I didn’t even have time to think about blogging about it.
And then suddenly this week I started thinking about writing here. Maybe I need the outlet again.
This week I found myself pretty near paralyzed by simply presenting a 45 minute practice job talk at school. No, I don’t have interviews yet, I’m just trying to be prepared. And usually I do okay with presentations– or at least I fake them well enough to look put together and not as nervous as I actually am. This time I was just nervous, and not as prepared as I realized I needed to be when I got there. Distilling the dissertation down to a single talk in a way that is clear and interesting and does all the important things like laying out my theoretical contributions etc. seems like the biggest task in the world right now. And the fact that where I’m at with my dissertation at the moment means, I’m not too clear on what those contributions are myself doesn’t help. Oh, the joys of grad school.
There’s something about the job talk… I’m fine going to schools and talking with people, interviewing, etc. but The Job Talk is like an all-or-nothing kind of endeavor. A one shot deal. A make it or break it sort of thing. And so I’m going to have to conquer that.
I’m sure I’ll snap out of this. I just need some quality time with my dissertation in my carrel to remind myself of how great the work really is. I just need to squirrel myself away for a while.
And something else happened this week that’s upset me more than I thought it would. A friend of mine died. Someone I knew back in NY. She was almost exactly my age (32 years old), and for a while we did everything together– worked at the same place, hung out, drove to classes together etc. And then after all the drama at work, we went our separate ways, and for reasons I don’t even remember, stopped speaking. I always chalked it up to the fact she started working at another store, the crazy drama at our store that made everything difficult, and that some people just don’t work so well together– different personalities etc.
A couple years ago I tried to get back in touch with her. I heard she had been sick (with a very rare form of cancer), but I didn’t know how sick. She ended up emailing me and reaming me out for years of stuff she’d apparently been stockpiling against me from when we worked together. It was insane and ridiculous, and all of it was second-hand information that wasn’t even true. I seriously felt like I was in high school again and it pissed me off. So I told her so, and that she her own decisions at work and couldn’t blame others for them. And I told her I always missed her and wondered how she was, and had chalked everything else up to work issues. I don’t like to hold grudges. She wrote me back and was like “screw you” and I pretty much replied with the same. I was sad and hurt at the time, but didn’t need that shit in my life.
Nice. So that messed up bunch of emails was my last interaction with her. I’m not usually one of those people that needs everyone to like them, so that doesn’t so much bother me. The fact that she didn’t realize how much I enjoyed our friendship bugs me, though. And the fact she was my age and in a lot of ways (yeah, like me) had barely begun life. Sometimes it seems like 32 is lifetime of experience, but sometimes it is really obvious that it isn’t. To be cliche– life is too short sometimes. And that just makes me feel like what the heck am I doing spending a whole day catching up on email and watching SVU when I could be doing 1 of a million things I need to do. But if I do all those things I need to do, will I still have time to go out and enjoy the fall weather and crunch through some leaves?
Sorry to make this a bit of a downer. I’m planning on enjoying the fall this weekend– going pumpkin picking and to a corn maze with friends on Sunday. I’m going to run 3 miles tomorrow in the cool, crisp air, which always makes me feel more centered/grounded.
There’s a bunch of stuff I could and should catch you up on– so I’ll retroactively start posting about my trip to San Francisco, and then, of course, my sister’s wedding.
Obviously your friend was angry and vented that anger out on you. If she needed to do that, be glad that you were there. It was probably easier for her to tell you off in an email then be angry to her loved ones there. She was just plain angry and needed to vent it, had nothing to do with you or work, I imagine.